Leaping

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I’ve been so miserably stagnant and safe in my work. Slogging through meetings and spreadsheets and more meetings. Just keeping my head down and doing my job, and then living (really living) on my own time. And I know that isn’t good, but I was loath to change.

Then, one week, my therapist mentioned the story of Nachshon. I needed to look up the midrash to remember, and in doing so, I came across an article/blog post that really sparked something in me. http://www.reformjudaism.org/blog/2015/01/29/faith-fear-and-story-nachshon-and-red-sea

The author, Stacey Zisook Robinson, wrote “I’m in one of those places: stuck, prickly, at the very edge of letting go, trembling with the effort to not tip over the edge into the abyss of the unknown, desperate to take that final leap of faith and soar towards light and wholeness.”

That’s exactly where I was. Stuck. I wasn’t the change I wished to see in the world. I wasn’t doing something I love. I was working to collect a paycheck. No matter how cheerfully it’s decorated, I wasn’t finding fulfillment in my cubicle. And I was really missing it.

My time with my family, and my part time Hebrew school work is where I come alive. I’ll just say this about my family; they are awesome, and I love them to the ends of the earth. And, just check out my Personal Statement for my grad school application to know how I feel about teaching Hebrew school.

The midrash about Nachshon tells that he had so much faith in G-d to part the sea, he walked in all the way.

Maybe it was time for me to take that leap and just trust that I’d make it to the other side. Maybe it was time to stop saying I want to do good in the world, and start doing it.

All of this was going on around the same time that I went to NewCAJE6. In my first learning session, I immediately felt a sense of belonging. It was as if I was in a movie, and suddenly everything came sharply into focus. I was inspired by the energy, buoyed by the connections I was forming.

Galvanized by this new community of peers and sense of my place in it, I did some serious searching in my own, and my husband’s souls. Of course, everything eventually comes down to money. Could we manage on just one salary? How would we make it work?  So we hashed out all of the gory details. And we made plans for me to leave my job.

So here I am.

I’m doing it. I’m really doing it.

I’m leaving my steady 9 to 5 gig.

11 more working days.

I’m feeling elated, nauseated, hopeful, afraid, and so many other emotions all at the same time. I’m feeling grateful that I’m going to be able to put my energy into my family, my education and my teaching. I’m grateful for this second chance at building a career around what I love, because second chances don’t come around very often.

What I feel most deeply though, is that I’m doing the right thing.

I’m diving in, and like Nachshon, I’m going to make it to the other side just fine.

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